The Absolution of my heart

By Sunday, February 28, 2016 1 No tags Permalink

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I have almost forgotten the sound of your voice and the way you used to turn toward me in your sleep reaching for me

Your hands and lips and how I would laugh with you and my heart would encapsulate you and the soft angles of your face in the morning

I have counted back to the days in the beginning when we were beautiful with each other and soft before the darkness came

I still stand in the garden my tears watering the plants as the cat jumps at my feet looking at me questioning where you have gone

 

 

My heart has become saturated with the ebb and flow of loss; like the ocean it pulls into deep waves retracting and then surging forward with abandon and I find myself crying your name out loud

I try to imagine ever giving myself over to someone again, skin and heart and breath. But my whole soul lies dormant in this state and I give myself to the water and to the earth over and over

Until I can wake and truly know I am healed.

I cradle my daughter like a small child and kiss her abandonment and hold her with all the love that I have left, her sadness breaks me open and I can’t imagine wanting anything more than to take that for her

We plant flowers in your honor like you are gone forever, which you become to us…

I am remembering my beauty, the beauty you never saw

I am recalling my strength, the strength I abandoned

I am walking with this; all of it, I own it

I have faced the darkness and you have brought out the untouched wounds from many moons before

I have become a ghost of my former self trying to save this love

I have been my darkest shadow I have seen this

Now I will become one with myself again, I will find the light

Even in this hour tonight in this loneliness in the house that was our home

Even though you became a stranger,

the teapot,  a dusty totem of our former love

Even though you never read my words or kissed my neck or opened your heart

I remember your soul before the darkness

that is where i will keep you

untouched and open and made new by time, supple by the arms of my acceptance

my forgiveness

I will release myself fully from you

And I will be myself again once more

 

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1 Comment
  • Valerie
    March 8, 2016

    This is incredible. I thoroughly enjoy reading everything you create. Awesome, inspiring, heart felt…. I saw the tears hitting each leaf…you have a gift for bringing words to life. Have a great day Beautiful woman ❤

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